DATE YO'SELF // When its time for some self-love
So you’re single. HIGH FIVE! I warmly welcome you into an oasis of self-love, happiness, freedom and late nights with your go-to-gal ‘miss vibrator’. Before we enter into another relationship it’s important to date ourselves. The best thing about it? We get to discover who we are, become self-sufficient, independent, self-reliant, complete and happy prior to even meeting anyone.
Coming out of a long-term relationship I realised I truly hadn’t done anything for myself. I am fulfilled when I plan, create, spend, make, do something for someone else and see their reaction and that makes me happy. For years I put myself on the sideline, willingly. One year later, I’m a one-woman-show doing as I please without hesitation and it feels fucking great.
We humans yearn to be with another but you, YOU - GODDESS OF FIRE, have been granted this small window of opportunity to be utterly by yourself and do things FOR YOU.
And, if there is a slight thought in your head right now of “Easy for you to say… There are no men at all who interest me in the slightest, so I’ll be sad and alone forever” I for one will tell you to kindly shut up - because love ain’t based on location babyyyy (I wish I could break out in a song right now like the Disney movies and try to explain myself).
No one has caught your interest in three years? Maybe it’s because the person you are meant to be with doesn’t live near you. There are 7 billion people in the world, and you think you are bound to someone who lives within a 20km radius of your home? Think again.
(Okay look, if you are genuinely worried about being alone forever, pack your bags and move to Sweden. 80% success rate for foreigners because the Swedes like something “different” and there is a 148% guaranteed no left swipes on tinder… BOOM!)
Now, where was I? Oh yes, DATE YO’ SELF.
ALONE. NOT LONELY.
Big difference - it took a while to know which was which. It takes putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and doing things alone to grow and build your character. The more I went to the movies, pubs, wine tastings and art galleries alone, the easier and more normal it became.
You can only feel that loneliness if you choose to, it’s easy if you sit at home and do nothing. It’s incredibly hard to feel that when you are out doing things for yourself and with yourself.
TABLE FOR… UNO
The girls have already planned a date night with their boyfriends. It’s time to do the hardest thing, take yourself out on a real date. No, I don’t mean a food court or a quick meal – I’m talking restaurant, candle on the table, mood lighting – the works. I have been travelling for five months alone and in-between not having dinner with new friends or cooking; I’ll eat dinner or lunch at a restaurant at least five times a week by myself and THRIVE on it.
Ah, I remember my first time too, answering “Yes, just me…” to the waiter only to look up at him, his eyes beaming down with sympathy and sorrow as he hands over one menu. My first thought was “No. I’m here because I want to be not because someone didn’t show up to dinner…” (That’s the defensive/protection emotion kicking in when you feel that first sting. Trust me, it will pass).
Then you’re wondering if people are looking at you; curious as to why you are alone. Oh no, now you’re awkwardly fumbling through the menu, then sitting on your phone waiting for your food.
It’s only awkward if you make it awkward. Luckily, I have moved on from the “I care what people think” stage and have reached the “Hahaaa, Si Sebastian, you read my mind, another red! Why not?!” stage.
More often than not I have been asked to join tables of those sitting next to me. Why should you miss out on amazing food because everyone’s busy or because you’re single? I say, fuck that, and just do it. Just please don’t sit on your phone the whole night.
SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES… WITH MYSELF
I became more and more dissatisfied in my relationship because - believe it or not - men can’t read minds. WHAT?! I KNOW. OH MY GAWDDDD! Yes, it’s true, I know, I was in shock too. When you think of something romantic and then your partner doesn’t do it because you want them to think of it themselves, they actually can’t read our minds. Which is why ladies, just do it yourself. Adventures can range from day to day activities; picnics you’ve made under the trees, day trips to the beach, hiking in nature, cooking classes, massage at the day spa or rent a kayak and enjoy the scenery.
ME: “LET’S GO ON AN ADVENTURE”. ALSO ME: “OKAY!”
On my first day in Iceland, completely alone and a little nervous, I met a man from The Netherlands who said “You just wait, you will never want to travel with friends. Ever. Again”. I thought he was crazy, why would I want to travel alone and not experience anything with my closest friends? After five months, I am officially part of the Secret Society of the Solo Travellers. We get it, we understand and we are the most chilled as fuck people you will ever meet.
Want to go home without having to explain yourself? Sure, see you tomorrow. Don’t feel like eating the same food as everyone? Cool, meet up in an hour. Everything is easy because everyone’s in the same boat and no one takes offence if you want to do something for yourself.
When you travel with friends you still meet new people, however, it becomes more difficult to create that interaction, especially when you have others around you. Being alone forces you to create a communication with different people.
BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING
No more dropping sneaky hints to your partner about what you want for your birthday, you just gotta buy it yourself, sister. And what’s better than a gift you gave to yourself? No disappointments and it’s a beautiful memory. Buy yourself a birthday present, flowers when you feel like them, a bottle of expensive wine, jewellery and celebrate milestones. When you invest time, money, energy and creativity in yourself, it is an extremely generous payback.
A relationship with yourself is just like any other; it requires attention, work, effort, thought and care. Don’t shave and dress up for him, do it for you. Don’t buy Victoria Secret lingerie for him, buy it so you can wear it under your favourite dress and feel sexy. Once you have achieved this without guilt, you will not search for someone to fulfil you, you will search for someone who compliments who you already are.
Being by yourself is the most beautiful thing; embrace this small little window before you move to Sweden ladies.
HAPPY SINGLE LIFE!